Goodbye, Until Tomorrow
by alongwalktoforever
Summary: Missing moments from the time that Jackson served April the papers to the actual divorce. A look inside the pain, loss, and sadness that reverberated through their lives. What happened to them? How did they get here?
1. Chapter 1: The Decision

**Chapter 1: The Decision**

 **Jackson**

The phone buzzed loudly on Jackson's bedside table. It was late, but he had an early surgery in the morning and feared complications. Half awake; he answers the phone quickly assuming it was the hospital.

"Yeah?" He waits for a response, but only hears muffled breathing on the other end, "Hello?" he asks again, then catches a look at the Caller ID: April Kepner.

He sits up- "April...What is it? Are you okay?"

They hadn't talked in over a week. In fact, he hadn't even seen her at all in a few days. He suspected that she was avoiding him. She was furious at him for ambushing her with the divorce papers. Jackson winced as he remembered the fight in the hospital hallway. _You just serve me papers, just like that. Do you have any idea what a slap in the face this is?_

He hadn't meant for it to go down like that, serving her the papers without even telling her. It all spiraled so quickly. It had started after a particularly infuriating therapy session. After talking in circles once again, he couldn't stand to look at her. He decided to go for a beer with Ben, but one beer turned into eight. Soon, he was leaving a voicemail with his lawyer to deliver the papers. Slurring into the phone, he was _done_ , for real this time. He had all but forgotten about the call until the next day when his lawyer rung him, informing him the papers were drawn up and would be delivered to April by next week. He tried to get up the courage to tell her for days, but he kept putting it off. He told himself that he was waiting for the right moment. Well, the moment came and went with an awful fight outside Meredith's hospital room.

There was no excuse, he was an ass. Jackson just couldn't keep up the charade anymore when he knew they were both unhappy.

Every conversation, every disagreement lead right back to the same damn fight they had a million times. They had stopped listening to each other a long time ago. She wasn't budging and he couldn't give anymore. This wasn't the marriage that Jackson signed up for. They had both changed so much in the past year and they just couldn't find their way back.

Jackson thought April could feel the end coming too. He stopped sleeping at the apartment, pulling every excuse in the book from long surgeries to crashing at Ben's after drinking to pulling the nightshift. But, her face in that hospital hallway told a different story. He spent so much of his life trying to protect April, putting her first, and punishing her when she didn't do the same. He was done. He had to be done. Yet, here she was on the phone and he felt that familiar pull, he missed her.

"April?" He asked again, quietly.

"I'll sign them," Her voice came out as a pained whisper as if each word took effort to say.

"What?" Still groggy, he wasn't sure he heard her right.

"The divorce papers. I'll sign them," Her voice was louder this time. The air vanished from the room. This was the moment he had asked for, begged even. _Just make it easy, April. Let's stop causing each other pain._ But here they were and he was sure the pain was here to stay.

"I… um… Okay," Before he had a chance to say anything else, the phone went dead and Jackson was alone.

 **April**

 _Earlier that night_

"Time of death: 23:32," the nurse stated routinely. She then shut off the beeping heart monitor and the room became eerily quiet. There was a pause, a brief moment of silence, before the surgeons went about their usual business of stripping off their gloves, masks, and gowns.

April, Nathan, and Arizona left the mess of the OR room to be cleaned by the proper people. It had been an exhausting surgery. A woman had slid on black ice and skidded across into oncoming traffic. April and Nathan didn't find out until they had cut that she was almost seven months pregnant. They paged Arizona, who attempted a crash delivery, but it was too late for the baby. Five grueling hours later, it was too late for the mother as well. The three surgeons wanted nothing more than to get off their feet.

"The fiancée still not here yet?" Nathan asked the scrub nurse.

"No, he was in Sacramento on business" She answered, checking the patient information.

"Damn. I was supposed to be off three hours ago. But hell, what is a few more. I can wait for him," Nathan turned to the others.

"Don't be stupid. I'll wait." April grabbed the chart before Nathan had a chance.

"What? Keps, you have been here longer than I have."

"She came into my ER; she is my patient. I'll wait."

"April…" Arizona and Nathan look incredulous.

"Go. Go sleep or go to lesbian trivia or whatever," April waved them off. "Seriously. I want to stay."

They mumbled their tired thanks and went their separate ways. April made her back to the ER and pushed open the doors, slowly walking into the quiet room. All the beds were empty, except one that held a bruised teenager with a skateboard on his lap, talking to an intern. She walked around the tall desk and sank into one of the chairs. She knew why Nathan and Arizona hadn't put up much of fight when she said she'd stay. They knew that she had no reason to leave.

Jackson and April made the mistake of making their reunion and then swift fall back into dissolution very obvious to everyone in the hospital, whether it occupying certain supply closet for their extracurricular activities or later screaming about divorce in hallways. She was sure everyone knew the ins and outs of their present situation. It was clear that Jackson and her weren't living together… or even speaking.

 _When did you decide, you were done?_ She posed that question over a week ago. He hadn't answered, not really. He mentioned something about it was meant to stop causing each other pain. "Just make it easy, April," he had told her, like she was an annoying roadblock and not fighting for their marriage.

The words kept her up at night. She would swing back and forth between anger and self-pity, like a pathetic pendulum. _HOW COULD HE JUST GIVE UP LIKE THAT? How stupid was she for thinking they were on the road to healing together?_

Her thoughts were interrupted when a disheveled desperate-looking man rushed through the emergency room doors. She didn't even have to ask to know that he was her patient's fiancée. She took a breath and stood up from her seat.

"Mr. Radin?"

"Yes. Yes," he rushed to the desk. "My fiancée. She was in car crash... she...Hannah Michaelson. Her name is Michaelson. She's pregnant. She was in a car crash. Can you? Where is…"

"Mr. Radin…"

"Can I see her? Is the baby okay? Can I see her?" He was searching her face for answers, but was too desperate or scared to comprehend what her eyes were saying.

"Mr. Radin. Hannah came in with severe injuries, she was rushed straight to surgery. She was alone, we had no idea she was pregnant."

"She lost the baby?" He started to pace.

"Let's go sit down."

"No. If she lost baby, she is going to need me. I need to see her"

"Sir…"

"We just picked out a crib last week, it took hours. Those places… they act like you are buying a car or house. They tried to sell me a $10,000 crib. Can you believe that? Oh man, I should have bought the damn crib,"

He finally stopped pacing and faced her again.

"Listen, listen. I have to see Hannah. She is going to be heartbroken. I have to be there for her. Don't you understand? We were getting it together for this baby. It took a while, we aren't the perfect match, you know? She is the messiest person you will ever meet. I mean it. Dishes everywhere, crumbs in the bed. And don't even think of watching any movies with her, she pees every five minutes. I am no better. I've had only one set of everything: towels, sheets, dishes. I liked being alone until her. But we are better now, we are better together. We really were getting it together for him. I took a corporate job. Sold out, so we can afford the apartment with two bedrooms and the expensive crib. I took the damn corporate job that has damn business trips to..."

"Mr. Radin, Hannah died 28 minutes ago," April interrupted, she wasn't sure she could take anymore. "There was too much damage. We did everything we could."

There was a terrible moment of silence. She watched as the reality sank in.

"No. No. No. No no no no no no no no," He slumped down against the desk to the floor, putting his head between his knees.

"I am so so sorry," Tears burned her eyes, but she held back.

He let out a heartbreaking sob. April searched for something to say.

"Mr. Radin… Joshua, the world feels like it is ending. I know that."

"It is."

"No. No, it's not. That is the blessing and the curse, you see. This unimaginable life-altering thing has happened to you. And you will never be the same, but you will get through this. You keep going, you keep living...You know why? Because that is what Hannah would want for you."

"I can't," He cried.

"Yes, you can. You do it for them, Joshua. You wake up every morning and do it for them. Otherwise, what was it all for?"

He lifted his head and his words come out barely above a whisper, "It was gonna be a boy. Thomas, after Hannah's dad. Tommy for short."

"That is a really beautiful name," She stands up to hide her tears, there was a special pain of naming a child that never gets to grow up. All the hopes and dreams and love that never sees the light of day.

Joshua sits silently on the floor for another 20 minutes until his sister shows up to take him home. He was in no condition to drive. When he finally left, all the life was drained from his eyes, he looked like a ghost. April knew what it was like to can enter hospital as one person and leave it someone completely different.

April wasn't certain her words got through to him. He would never know that she told herself that same speech to get out of bed some mornings. _Live... for Samuel_. Some days were easier than others. And some days she preferred the other option.

The exhaustion finally catches up with her and April decides to head home… or whatever it is now without Jackson.

When she arrives, April pours herself a glass of wine, but decides she needs something stronger and takes out the whiskey. She takes a large sip and studies the empty apartment. Jackson hadn't taken much when he moved out, only his clothes and the sports memorabilia. He hadn't even taken any photos, not even their wedding photos. The photos weren't exceptionally special; they didn't have time to hire a professional photographer during their 20-hour engagement. But there was one photo, which Jackson had deemed his favorite. It was picture of them laughing underneath a willow tree, eagerly awaiting their nuptials. It was like no one else existed or have ever existed besides Jackson and her. She was sad when she found the picture missing from their bed side, but relieved that he had taken at least one memento. However, a week ago, in a fit of angry cleaning after being served divorce papers, she had found the picture in the back of the closet. He had hidden it away; too angry or too sad to even look at her face and that hurt more than she could have imagined. She didn't get out of bed for a day. It's been a rough week.

April suddenly noticed that the door to the nursery was cracked open. The cleaning crew (an extravagance left over from Jackson) must have done it, she hadn't been in there in months. It was easier in Jordan; she was too busy to think or feel. But being back, not talking to Jackson, everything was harder and she was having trouble finding a reason to get up in the morning, especially when she had to walk past that damn room, every day.

 _So did he._ The thought jumped out at her. She pictured Jackson walking past that room every day for the year she was gone. This thought propelled to finally open the door that she hadn't touched in months. The room was so...empty. Everything was packed away, with the boxes stacked against the wall.

There was so many things she wishes she could redo, sometimes she wished she could start over completely. But April knew she could never go through the pain of losing Samuel again even if it meant getting Jackson back. They were here in this moment in time and there was nothing they could do to change it. Tears filled her eyes and she slid to the floor.

She pulled one of the boxes over to her, surprised at how light it was. It only held one thing: Samuel's ultrasound. The frame was broken and it looked like Jackson had tried to unsuccessfully glue it back together. They didn't have any family photos to save, no records of first steps or birthdays. The blurry ultrasound was the only photo they had to remember him by. She opened the other boxes, untouched onesies and blankets so carefully folded and placed in the most delicate matter.

She had been so angry when she had first seen the boxes and room bare. _How could Jackson pack Samuel away, just like that._ But now, even with how angry she was at him, she realized just how painful that must have been. She pictured him having to pack the life that never was, alone.

After Samuel's death, she remembers feeling so envious of Jackson and how his pain seemed so much more manageable than hers. He went to work, he watched sports, he cooked on the days she wasn't sure she could breathe. _I wasn't coping, I was covering. For you._ His past words filled her with such poignant pain, she let out an uncontrollable sob. She was so immersed in her own pain; she never saw his.

After a few minutes, when her tears stopped flowing, April was met with a clarity she hadn't felt in a very long time. She hadn't understood at first. To survive, she had to go and now it was his turn. He had to go and she had to let him.

She pulled out her phone and dialed his number. She wasn't even sure that he was awake, but she was scared that she would lose her nerve in the morning. It rang twice and then he answered.

"Yeah… Hello?" He had just woken up. He was annoyed, she could tell. He did not like having his sleep disrupted. Years of her as an early-riser and him as a sleep-until-it's-afternoon had proven that fact. She tried to speak, but nothing came out. _Just make it easy, April._

"April? What's up? Are you okay?" His voice softened, he sounded worried even. Through all the pain and resentment, Jackson would still be there for her if she needed him. He was the friend that punched Karev for being a dick to her, he had carried her home when she got too drunk, he stood up to people who made fun of her, and he always had her back. He was the husband that cooked dinner and did her laundry when she was too tired, promised to go to church with her and their kids even though he watches football on Sunday, took her on long midnight drives when she was pregnant an couldn't sleep, and allowed her to grieve in her own way until it almost killed him. He was a good man. And he deserved to have what he needed.

"I'll sign them," It came out as a whisper.

"What?" He sounded genuinely confused.

"The divorce papers. I'll sign them" She held the ultrasound for strength. _You will get through this. You have to keep going, you have to live._

 _"_ I…" He was struggling to say something, but April knew she was on the verge of crying. She wasn't sure if she could handle a full conversation right now. "Okay"

And with that, she hung up.


	2. Chapter 2: The Night Before

**Jackson**

It had been a little inconvenient and slightly stupid, choosing Saturday. He had the wedding and had to write a speech, but he didn't want to stretch this out. A dark thought occurred to him and even he had to laugh: _Is there ever a convenient time to schedule a divorce?_ The sooner it was over with, the sooner they both can move forward, move on.

He had a plan. They were going to meet at the lawyer's office at 10am and the wedding wouldn't start until 1pm. Plenty of time. It wasn't lost to Jackson that focusing on the logistics was easier than focusing on the reality of the situation. He set out the wedding tux and his divorce suit next to each other. If there was ever an example of irony, it was this. It seemed wrong to have them next to each other. He hid the divorce suit in the closet so he didn't have to look at it anymore.

Jackson had been staying at a hotel for two weeks now. He had been putting off getting a permanent place. Every time his realtor emailed him a new showing, he felt the strong need to throw up. That felt a little too…final, which was misguided since they were signing the papers tomorrow. In their divorce agreement, Jackson had let April take the apartment, which he had taken some convincing. She had made it clear that she didn't want anything from him. But he could afford to live anywhere and wanted to give her this, at least. Jackson thought about that old apartment. It held the most important moments of his life, the best and the worst. Their first months as secret newlyweds, finding out that they were pregnant, building the nursery, crying to sleep together, crying to sleep alone. They had all been there. He was leaving behind such a huge part of his life, but that doesn't mean he was ready to start a new one.

Jackson sat down at the desk and reread all the paperwork to make sure that he had everything that he needed for tomorrow. On top of the pile was a schedule for tomorrow's preceding.

It was funny how their wedding wasn't something they planned at all, besides a few phone calls on road and yet their divorce was scheduled down to the minute.

10am: Review documents

10:30am: Discuss any disputes

10:45am: Sign documents

11am: End meeting.

His lawyer had sent over the "official" schedule earlier that week. Jackson thought the lawyer was a complete idiot, but his mother had insisted he was one of the best that money could buy. Their first meeting hadn't gone well at all.

 _"_ Your post-nuptial agreement from your mother's lawyer is air-tight, which is very very good. She won't be getting any significant amount of your money or your family's money, _"_ The lawyer laughed. The damn bastard had laughed. Jackson almost fired him on the spot, but starting the whole process over again was something Jackson couldn't fathom.

Jackson couldn't help but remember the day they signed the postnup. His mother had pummeled into town, the force of nature that she was, and decidedly burst the cozy marriage bubble that April and Jackson were enjoying. But it was a non-issue, April never wanted any of Jackson's money. Hell, she still couponed even when he had seven figures in their bank account. His stomach twisted, when he remembered April's words from that day.

 _"_ _I don't want your money. I want you. A pre-nup or whatever the hell it is, is only for if we get divorced, which were not going to do"_

Hindsight was a real bitch. _I love her._ _She's the one_ , he had confidently told his mother. And he had truly believed that with all his heart. However, Jackson knew those were different people. Those were the _before-April-and-Jackson_. They lived in a time before Samuel died in their arms, before Jordan, before the years of hurting each other at every damn turn.

Sometimes, late at night when he couldn't sleep, Jackson would picture how their lives look in another universe, a universe where Samuel hadn't died. Would they be a happy family, taking Samuel to the park and pre-school? Would they live in a big house down by the marina where April could raise ducks? Would they have another one on the way? She always wanted a big family.

However, those thoughts never saw the light of day. Those were the thoughts that creep in when you are half-asleep without reason or reality to stop you. But morning always came and Jackson had to accept that they weren't in that universe, even if he wished with all his might that they were.

No. They were where they were and they had to live with it.

He picked up his phone mindlessly. He scrolled through his messages. He stopped at her name, she was further down since they hadn't been speaking. The last time they had texted each other was before she had been served the papers.

AK: Hey. You coming by tonight?

JA: I can't. Skull fracture, probably be here until late.

AK: Ok. good luck. I love you.

He hadn't responded. He hadn't said thank you or good night or I love you, too. He remembers feeling annoyed and suffocated. All her kindness and affection just made him angry, because it was too late. She got the papers the next day and the rest was history.

He stood there, staring at his phone. He wanted to call her so badly, it hurt. He wanted one last...something. He threw his phone across the room. No good would come from any of that. He went downstairs to the hotel bar to get a very large glass of bourbon.

 **April**

 _It was the early days of their elopement. They hadn't told anyone yet, but they were newlyweds in-love and wanted to act like it. So, they would drive an hour to Bellevue to a small dingy, but no less delicious Italian restaurant, where they would kiss, eat, and be very very merry. On this particular Wednesday night, there was old band playing Frank Sinatra covers. April somehow had convinced Jackson to dance. He had put up a fight at first, but soon he was spinning and dipping her as they laughed together. A slow song began to play and Jackson pulled her in close. She sighed._

 _'_ _I never thought I could love someone this much, Jackson.'_

 _'_ _Who the pianist? Me too. He's dreamy,' She hit him playfully._

 _'_ _Hey. I love you' he whispered in her ear, shivers spread through her whole body._

 _'_ _Hey. I love you, too' she smiled into his chest._

 _He lifted her chin and kissed her softly on the lips. He was so very hers and she was his and this is all she had ever wanted._

"Hey…. April. Hello? Is anybody in there?" Suddenly, Arizona was in front of her, snapping her fingers in front of April's face.

"God… Yes! What?" April snapped.

"Hey. Snarkypants. I am not the enemy," Arizona held up her hands in surrender.

"I'm sorry. Sorry. I just…" She shrugged, not able to articulate the thought.

"Why don't you go home? I'll come over, Callie can take Sofia and we can watch movies and pig out. Then tomorrow we drink until our eyes cross. Girls weekend, wooo!" Arizona attempted a pathetic fist pump, but dropped it when she saw April's expression.

"I... I'm swamped tonight. I can't" April started to walk away, but Arizona followed her.

"Okay. Okay. But hey, listen here. Tomorrow. I am coming over even if I have to break down the door." She waited for a response.

"Okay" April nodded.

"Good. And I am going to bring lots and lots of booze." This caused April to finally smile. Arizona continued, "April? Make sure you take care of yourself today. Not just everyone else."

With that, Arizona left April to her ER.

After three consecutive MVC's, April was shocked to see that it was after 2am. The day was long and she spent every minute running around. She was exhausted, too tired to even make it home. She found an open on-call room and decided to try and sleep for a few hours. Tomorrow was the big day. She pondered what people did on the eve of divorces. Drink? Cry? She tried to picture what Jackson was doing. She had seen him in the cafeteria, earlier that day. He was sitting with Karev and Warren, talking. And she felt nothing. Not hurt or longing or anger.

As she lay in the uncomfortable bed, April Kepner was surprised that for once in her life, her mind was completely blank. She wasn't making lists or planning her next steps or thinking about the people around her. Life kept moving forward and she was just in auto drive. Maybe she had used up all her tears for one lifetime. Maybe this was how she lived now. It would be a welcome change. She had always been the girl that was just about too much for everyone around her. April knew she was not that annoying naive girl anymore, she had been through too much. But that she didn't mean she know who she was, because she sure as hell wasn't a wife or a mother.

April realized that she had subconsciously picked their on-call room. The on-call room where April and Jackson had spent their early days when they couldn't keep their hands off each other. The on-call room where they would sneak off to when they were hiding their marriage. The on-call room where they had spent so many nights entwined together.

She sat up in the dark room. April had to accept that she wasn't going to get any sleep in this room tonight. Feeling restless, she opened the door and walked straight into Deluca, the intern, whose armful of supplies went flying down the hallway.

"Oh my god. I am so sorry," April bent down to help pick up everything.

"No no no. My fault. Sorry, Dr. Kepner" He realized that finding all the loose debris was a losing battle.

"Here, I'll help you restock," she makes her way towards the supply closet.

"Oh no, you don't have to do that,"

"It's okay. I don't have anything better to do," they walked in silence for a few seconds. "Graveyard shift?" April asked as they reached the closet.

"Yeah. Third one this week. I don't think Webber is fond of me," Deluca mumbled. They began making a new pile of supplies.

"I don't know about that. But everyone has to do graveyard shifts, it is part of being an intern. I remember my intern year, we would play games like capture the flag when it got slow, just to stay alert," She smiled at the memory. It was Charles's idea at first, hide a hospital gown or scrub top, whoever found it had to run it to the locker room without being caught. Reed always thought it was too juvenile and April would pretend she agreed even though she was longing to play. But some nights when the boredom was too much, April couldn't help herself. There was one instance, where she found the top, pretended to be dead, and had an orderly roll her to home base.

' _Damn April, who knew you had it in_ ,' Jackson laughed as he clapped her on the back. April remembered falling asleep that night, smiling that the cute intern had finally noticed her today. Of course, that was a million years ago.

She heard Deluca ask another question.

"What?"

"I asked, whether you ever won?" This caused April to laugh for the first time all day.

"You bet your ass I did."

"Well thank you and maybe I'll turn the pit into a hockey rink. See if I can't get my own game going," He picked up the supply pile and did an awkward head nod goodbye as he walked out the door, leaving April alone in the closest. She turned to leave when she realized what a mess Deluca had left the place. _See this is why people hate interns_ , she thought to herself. Her inner clean-freak wouldn't let her leave until the supply closet was somewhat organized. She putting a bedpan away when she spots something from the corner of her eye. It wasn't large or shiny, but April felt her eyes drawn to the object. She reaches down and picks up it without thinking, it was a standard pregnancy test. How was it that something so small could hold so much weight?

April couldn't help but think back on the two occasions she had to use them. The first had been the ill-fated pregnancy scare that had sent Jackson and her retreating away from each other, too scared to deal with the depth of their feelings. The second time had been just as inopportune as the first. They had a terrible argument that caused her to stay at Callie and Arizona's house. She had picked a fight and pushed him until he cracked, she knew that. She was just so scared at how different their beliefs were. How were they going to raise a family together if they couldn't even agree on such an important part of who she was?

April had run away to her friends' house. It was there that she figured out why she was being so emotional. She was late, very late. She had been so wrapped up in married life that she hadn't put it together, not until she had seen one of Callie and Arizona's pregnancy tests bought in their excitement of trying for another kid. April remembered sitting in the bathroom for a long time, staring at the box. She finally got enough courage to use the test and after three terrifying minutes, there was no denying the plus sign. She was never the same after that moment. She became a mother. Even when Samuel died, she could never go back to who she was before. That person had died along with her son.

She grew up believing _God doesn't give you anything that you can't handle. God has a plan for everything and everyone. When God closes a door, he opens a window_. Standing in this supply closet, April did not feel his guidance. She just felt stupid. What was the point? Why had it turned out like this?

On the day of Samuel's birth and death, April had felt that God was laughing at her, even in her grief she had felt his presence. But now, April stared at the pregnancy test and thought about all that could have been and all that she lost, she felt no presence at all

She needed to be far away from the hospital. She ran from the supplies closet only stopping to grab her keys from the attending's' lounge. As she reached her car, the sky was getting lighter in the morning dawn. She didn't even bother turning on any lights when she made it home. She walked straight into bedroom and the minute her head touched the pillow, April fell thankfully and dreamlessly asleep.


	3. Chapter 3: The Morning Of

**Chapter 3: The Morning Of**

 **Jackson**

 _Jackson was standing in front of a door. He had the intense feeling of homecoming, the feeling of having been away for far too long. He tries to turn the doorknob, but it doesn't budge. He hears laughter inside and instinctively knows its April's. Peering through the window, Jackson spots toys and a stroller in the living room. He knocks on the door, no answer. Suddenly, he is banging on the door, yelling "APRIL! APRIL PLEASE! HELLO? ANYONE? CAN ANYONE HEAR ME?" With each hit, the air around him gets thinner and he can't breathe. And with each hit the laughter from inside grows louder. No one can hear him, no one cared._

Jackson sat up in his bed, his heart pounding in his chest and gnawing feeling in his gut. It was still dark out; the clock flashed 5:08am. Jackson stares up in the darkness for a few seconds until his heart rate returns to normal. This wasn't his first experience with nightmares. After the hospital shooting, Jackson had vivid dreams of Gary Clarke massacring him and everyone he knew. For months, he would wake up screaming in the middle of the night. When he was unable to fall back asleep, April would stay up and watch stupid late-night television with him until morning or until they'd both passed out on Meredith's uncomfortable couch. Those were the days when they were figuring out who they were to each without Reed and Charles. Those were the days she became his best friend.

Jackson slowly climbs out of bed. He washes his face in the hotel sink turns on the television, looking for something...anything to keep his mind busy. But the only thing on television that early in the morning are terrible morning talk shows and infomercials.

Jackson decided to go for a run, it was finally light outside and exercising would do him some good instead of lamenting for the next four and half hours. His normal route took him on a path that circled a park not too far from the hotel. The crisp air jolted him awake. He began his run and was the only one out this early in the morning.

 _Step. Breath. Step. Breathe. Step._

He focused on the very basic movements of his body, he wouldn't let his mind think about anything else. That was a perk of being a surgeon, they could compartmentalize with the best. He ran until his muscles burned. He ran until each breathe took effort. He ran until the whole world felt very far away.

When Jackson finally stopped, he sat down on a very old bench that overlooked the pond. It had a quote written across the front that he had never noticed.

 **"** **Come what come may, time and the hour runs through the roughest day."**

 **—** **Shakespeare (Macbeth)**

Jackson let his fingers rest over the gold lettering. _Fitting,_ he thought. Life keeps moving forward. The quote was surprisingly close to something his mother had always told him. He could even hear her voice, _"Child. You can cry, you can whine, you can stomp your feet, but the sun still gonna come up in the morning. So, get used to it and do something about it."_

It is how he got through Samuel, it was how he got through the year without April, and it was how he was going to get through this. Just keep moving forward.

This divorce would let them move on, he repeated to himself for the millionth time. They were doing it the humane way. There were no disputes, no court, no children living in a broken home. It was a clean break. The opposite of his parent's divorce. Jackson thought about how ugly everything got between them. He was seven when his parents split up. They weren't even speaking to each other at that time. The only interactions were late night phone-calls where they fight and yell at each other when they thought Jackson was asleep. They fought on everything. They fought on spousal support, on where Jackson was going to live, on who got to keep the damn cat. They hated each other and Jackson remembers feeling like he was being split in half. They even made him testify in court on who he would rather live with. He chose his mother, who was a much more prominent figure in his life.

However, there was one instance, where his father picked him up early from school with a suitcase and told them they were going on a trip together. They flew from Boston to San Francisco and stayed in a hotel room for a few days. Jackson loved it until his mother woke him up in the middle of night and took him away. What he didn't know until later was that his father hadn't told his mother about the trip. He never saw his mother so furious before in his life. After she brought Jackson home, it was the first and only time he ever saw his mother cry. Jackson's father slowly left the picture, popping up for the occasional holiday until he stopped showing up at all. That was when his grandfather, Harper Avery, took a much more serious interest in Jackson.

Jackson was nineteen years old when his father died while drunk driving. The bastard had wrapped his car around a pole, luckily not hurting anyone else in the process. At the time of his father's death, Jackson hadn't talked to him in over two years.

When April had that first pregnancy scare in the beginning, a million things ran through his head. He was young, they were in an undefined relationship, he had his whole career ahead of him and so did she. But he knew that he was never going to let his kids feel the pain of growing up without a father. He would be there through thick and thin. He would take care and protect his family and the people that he loved.

Jackson had always known that April was going to make a great mother. He knew that way before they were anything more than just friends. She brought homemade cookies to work, she knitted scarves for Christmas, and she seemed to know every Disney song by heart. There was one point after the plane crash, he and April along with a resistant Karev had to babysit Zola and Sofia for several days while their parents dealt with the fallout. Everyone was in shock and on edge. Jackson and April hadn't spoken about their hook-up since the locker room talk. But he remembers watching her play with the girls. She planned a grand tea party with all of Sofia and Zola's stuffed animals as well as Jackson and Karev in attendance. The girls were laughing and playing, not scared of the seismic shift happening with their parents, they were just being kids. He had looked at April and thought, _she will be an amazing mother._ The thought scared the shit out of him, mostly because when he pictured it, he was there with her.

Later, when they found out they were pregnant with Samuel, he was so scared about being a good father. He didn't have anyone to compare it too. He read every book and researched articles and videos online. Those were the days he wished that Sloane was alive so he could have someone to talk about it too. Of course, Jackson had no idea that being a good father would be the least of his worries when his child has a fatal incurable birth defect.

They both carried the gene. It was their fault what happened to Samuel. If April finds someone else, someone who isn't a carrier then they could have a boatload of healthy kids. He tried to picture it: April with a vague, faceless husband and three or four kids running around. The thought of April having a family without him hurt so much, he had to shut his eyes to stop himself from crying. He took three deep breathes. _This was for the best. This was for the best. This was for the best._

He checked his watch, it was almost 8am. He got up from the bench and made his way back to his apartment. He had set everything out the night before so all he had to do was shower. Simple things like tying his shoes and buttoning his shirt took effort. He had no appetite. He was a mess. His phone already had six missed calls from his mother which he simply ignored. There was no way he was opening that can of worms today.

He drove to his lawyer's office; he was very early. He sat in the car with the windows down and the seat back, listening to sports radio. It wasn't even 10am yet and he was in desperate need of a drink. He was contemplating the time it takes for him to go buy a handle of whiskey and get back in time, when he saw his lawyer pull up in his red Mercedes Benz.

"Today is the day!" The lawyer cheerfully yelled across the parking lot. _God, he's the worst,_ Jackson thought. This was going to be a very long day. They walked into the office and a few minutes later, April's lawyer enters alone. It was 10:08am, it wasn't like April to be late. He was always the late one, the messy one, the one who loses his keys. The lawyers engage in asinine small talk that Jackson can't be bothered to listen or respond. He stares at the door. It was a confusing feeling, needing April to walk through the doors so they could get this over with and dreading the moment she does.

When the door finally opens, Jackson takes a very large breath. He repeats the mantra once more: _keep moving forward._

 **April**

April wakes up in a daze, the kind where you aren't sure where you are or even who you are. She had been in such a deep sleep, she felt like should could have been asleep for days. The clock on her bedroom table flashes 7:36am. She had something to do today, something important. Of course, it finally hits her. The whole year floods her, Samuel, Jordan, Jackson leaving, the divorce. April is overwhelmed with emotion and something else… she runs to the bathroom, just making it to the toilet before she vomits. She chalks the nausea up to nerves and rinses her mouth out into the sink. She stares at her reflection, she looks exhausted.

She turns on the shower and waits for the water to heat up. April had been too tired to even change out of scrubs last night. As she stripes down, April feels something in her pocket. She pulls out a small plastic object, the pregnancy test from the supplies closet. She must have subconsciously put it in her pocket when she left the hospital last night. Just another thing from the universe to throw at her today. Without a second thought, she tosses it in the trash and enters the shower.

She turns the water to hot until the whole room fills with steam. April stands underneath the stream, trying to let it wash away all the terrible thoughts that came over her last night. If she let those thoughts back in today, she was never going to make through the day. She had to accept it. There is no Jackson, there is no God, she was alone. Being a doctor and saving lives, that could be enough for her. The sooner she accepted it, the sooner life would move forward.

She steps out of the shower and pulls out her hair dryer from underneath the sink. What a stupid tradition, having to dress up for your own divorce. She finishes straightening her hair and applying her makeup, but her eyes keep finding that that stupid pregnancy test on top of the trash. Why had she brought it home? She has no memory of putting in her pocket or feeling it when she went to bed. But there it was, she felt like it was mocking her. She picks it out of the bathroom trash intent on throwing it away in the kitchen so she wouldn't have to look at it anymore. Enough. She was going to stop thinking and looking at that damn test. She only makes it to her bedroom, stopped by a memory.

 _One minute ago, they were screaming at each other and throwing fortune cookies. Now, they were drawn to each other like magnets. Their kiss had open up a floodgate and there was a need that they couldn't ignore. Her whole body was on fire. She had missed him, his smell, his touch. She would have had him right there on the kitchen counter, but he carried her into the bedroom. She pulled him on top of her, feeling his pressure. She needed him inside her. He stopped kissing her. Just for second, but it felt like eternity and just looked at her. April had no idea what he was thinking, she reached up and stroked his face. He kissed her again softly this time. They were one again, no longer separate beings._

She shakes her head. No, what she is thinking is impossible. She was just looking for any excuse to stop this day. She was just emotional and sad...and nauseous...and late. No, no no no no no. She can't. She can't be. Women skip periods when they are going through emotional trauma all the time. It was a normal health phenomenon; she would know. So why can't she just let this go? In an hour, she has to walk into that lawyer's office and say goodbye to the love of her life. And all she could think about was this damn test.

She needed to know, one way or another.

On the floor of the bathroom, April waited. Three minutes to be exact. She wasn't sure what she was feeling or thinking or doing. What was she expecting, she finds out she is pregnant and everything magically fixes itself? And what if the test is negative? Could her heart take that disappointment? _Wait_ , that thought surprised her... would it be a disappointment or a relief?

 _Two minutes._ If she was pregnant, it would be the most inconvenient time in the world to discover. The day of her divorce, when Jackson and her weren't even speaking. Everything was falling apart, including herself. She was a mess. She wasn't even sure she could handle a baby right now. A baby. A baby with Jackson's eyes and kind smile.

 _One minute._ Warmth spread through her whole body. It would be the most beautiful thing. Suddenly, she knows. She picks up the test to make sure, but she is already certain at what is staring back at her; the pink plus. Tears are streaming down her face and she's laughing. She was happy, so so happy. She had lost all hope. She had cursed God, mocked him, and even questioned his existence. Yet, he had given her this miracle. A baby, that was a little Jackson and little of her and something all itself

 _Jackson_. Her joy diminishes as her stomach drops. She has to tell him. She wants to tell him. God, she wants to tell him, but something in the back of her mind is stopping her.

It's a memory.

 _"_ _Don't you see? This is what you do. You just decide how things are going to go."_

 _"_ _I am not the one deciding!"_

 _"_ _OF COURSE YOU'RE THE ONE DECIDING! April, you are always deciding. You decide to go to Jordan. You decide to leave. You decide to stay. You decide you need me then you decide you don't. You decide we can talk, you decide we cannot."_

April knew what would happen if she told him, he wouldn't go through with the divorce. Could she really be with a man who she forced to stay? Is that what was best for him or her? Jackson was a good man and he would put everything aside for this baby, even if that isn't what he really wanted. She was not going to complicate this divorce any more than she already had. She was not going to force him to stay with her. She needed time.

Everything from getting dressed to driving to the lawyer's office happened in a haze. She was on time, a few minutes early even. Yet as she stands outside the large wooden door and reaches for the doorknob, she stops abruptly. It is suddenly very real. She has to face him. She has to sit across from him while a few pieces of paper demolish the last four years of her life. She begins to pace back and forth down the hallway. What if he can see it on her face? What if she blurts it out in the middle of the signing? April stands in front of the door and takes a few deep breathes. _I will get through this. I will not cry. I will get through this._ For the first time, April knew she would. After all, she wasn't alone anymore.


	4. Chapter 4: The Divorce

**Chapter 4: The Divorce**

 ** _Jackson_**

His hands were shaking so noticeably he had to fold them in front of him. She entered the room and Jackson found he couldn't gain the courage to look at her. He was scared if he made eye contact, he would lose his nerve.

"I'm sorry I'm late," April stated. The room seemed to wait for Jackson to respond, but all he could manage was a nod.

"Not a problem. Let's get started, shall we?" His lawyer suggests, breaking the awkward silence. For once, Jackson didn't feel like punching him in the jaw.

"Alright, for the record, we are here to officialize the divorce of Jackson Harper Avery and April Marie Kepner, who have filed under irreconcilable differences, correct?"

Both Jackson and April nod.

"Excellent. No shared assets, no children, and of course there is a solid post-nuptial agreement in place. With nothing to contest, it is just about signing the papers."

His lawyer slides the papers to April. Jackson's heart is beating so loudly; he is barely aware of the rest of the interaction.

"The places to initial and sign are all clearly marked," His lawyer states.

"Red tabs for initials and blue tabs for signatures," April's lawyer adds.

"This is one of the simpler divorces I've seen, actually," Like a punch to the gut. Jackson raises his hand to shut him up. _Simple_? He doesn't know a damn thing about it.

Jackson finally looks at April, the hurt in her eyes is clear. No, nothing about this is simple. He never meant to sleep with his virgin best friend, fall in love while they date other people, elope in a whirlwind, fight about religion and children, lose Samuel, lose each other. It wasn't simple at all.

"You want this?" The question surprises him. He sits back in his chair, unsure of what she really means. He had expected tears or maybe a fight from April, today, but this was different.

"Do you _really_ want this?" She looks at him with purpose. There was pain but also something more behind her glistening eyes.

They sit there staring at each other. _What did he want?_ He wanted to not feel angry all the time. He wanted to stop hurting each other. He wanted April to understand her part. He wanted Samuel back. He wanted himself back.

The first-time Jackson met April, he was a 26-year-old arrogant med student, who either ignored or showed complete apathy to the annoying overeager Midwestern girl. The first-time Jackson considered April a friend was after a long night in the graveyard shift where they played juvenile games and ate Twizzlers. The first-time Jackson realized April was his best friend was a few months after the shooting when they would stay up late, while she would make him hot chocolate and talk about anything but his nightmares. The first-time Jackson considered anything more was a surprise kiss in a hotel doorway that felt way too good. The first-time Jackson knew he was in love (and hated it) was after he consoled her over the loss of a patient and wanted nothing more than to protect her, forever. The first-time Jackson knew he was in love (and knew she was in love too) was in a barn full of people who were there to see her marry another man. The first-time Jackson knew he would never love another like he loved April was when he sat in a chapel pew and prayed for the first time.

He loves her. Even in his darkest moments he loved her, but it isn't enough.

 _Do you really want this?_

Two years, he had been waiting for her to ask him what he wanted. Two goddamn years. He had put her first for so long, he wasn't even sure he knew what he really wanted. He was too close, he needed some clarity.

 _I'm sorry it turned out like this._ He tries to communicate. _But this is how it is._

"Okay," She nods solemnly and picks up the pen.

In the medical field, people say that your life flashes before your eyes before you die. Jackson had been in two life and death experiences, the shooting and the bus explosion, and he believed that was a pile of bullshit. In the moment, he had thought of nothing but surviving. Yet, here he was in this stuffy conference room and with each flip of the page, each scratch of the pen, Jackson saw moments come and go.

 _"_ _Hey, but we're still standing, right?"_

 _"_ _Hell yeah, we are. Me and you,"_

 _"_ _Me and you"_

 _"_ _I love you. I love everything about you, even the things I don't like, I love. And I want you with me. I love you and I think you love me too. Do you?"_

 _"_ _We got married. We love each other. We made vows to push through this sort of thing."_

 _"_ _I know, I love you, too"_

 _"_ _Our baby will be fine. He will be fine or she will. Because she'll have us."_

 _"_ _Whatever you need, I'm here."_

 _"_ _Did I tell it's a boy? We're having a boy..."_

 _"_ _Show up for her, please. Show up for April"_

 _"_ _It's three months. Will you at least kiss me goodbye?"_

 _"_ _I don't think I can be here when you come back."_

 _"_ _This is the worst, for better or worst. This is the mud and we just have to pull each other through it. We just have to push and we have to fight"_

 _"_ _I'm not sure we are worth fighting for"_

 _"_ _I was clear about this. My mind was made up. I knew what was best for me moving forward, no better how hard. I knew there was things we couldn't repair. I knew what I had to do. It's not clear anymore. When I look at you... When I stop thinking"_

Suddenly, April was sliding over the papers. She didn't look at him and Jackson swallowed back tears.

"Is there anything else?" April manages.

"That it. No," Jackson lawyer states.

"Okay."

April begins gathering up her things. Jackson struggled with what to say. He had always been pretty terrible at goodbyes. No one ever taught him. His father left without a note or even a hug. Charles died. Mark Sloan slipped into a coma. How do you say goodbye to something this important?

The saddest part was that he felt no different. Signing those papers did not make him suddenly hate her or stop loving her or stop wishing things were different. There was no starting over. There was no clean break. This was the end and it hurt.

He had to say something, anything. _I love you. I'll miss you. I'm sorry._

No words came and April was out the door.

 **April**

"I'm sorry I'm late," April's apology is met with an awkward silence, while Jackson does nothing but stare at his hands. This is the first time they had been face to face in weeks. He looked tired. Every nerve in her body wanted to tell him about the pregnancy, but it wasn't the right time. Not yet. She drew a breath. This was going to take everything that she's got.

"Let's get started, shall we?" Jackson's lawyer asks pointedly. April hadn't even sat down before the lawyer begins again.

"For the record, we are here to officialize the divorce of Jackson Harper Avery and April Marie Kepner, who have filed under irreconcilable differences, correct?"

Jackson nods quickly and April follows his lead. The detached legal jargon irks her. _Irreconcilable Differences_ makes her think of indifferent spouses, not anything close to what happened between Jackson and her. The lawyer continues.

"Excellent. No shared assets, no children, and of course there is a solid post-nuptial agreement in place. With nothing to contest, it is just about signing the papers."

Suddenly, the documents are in front of April and the words written in a foreign language or so it seemed. She felt like she was floating above her body, watching the whole train wreck.

"The places to initial and sign are all clearly marked," Jackson's lawyer states. _Everything is moving so quickly._

"Red tabs for initials and blue tabs for signatures," Her lawyer adds. _Wait. Stop. Let me think, for one goddamn second._

Her body just nods along to the instructions, while her mind screams into the void.

"This is one of the simpler divorces I've seen, actually."

The words land harshly in the silent room. April falls back to Earth, unable to carry on with her compliancy. She tears her eyes from the insensitive lawyer and looks to Jackson. He finally meets her eyes. She feels the weight of their whole relationship pass between them. The boards, the wedding, the other wedding, Samuel, Jordan. She feels each moment slip through her fingers. All the love, all the pain, all the things they both wish they could change sit before them.

Jackson Avery has been the only man she has ever really loved. He is kind and stubborn and sarcastic and wise. He takes care of the people he loves and he protects himself with walls so tough, only a select few ever get through. April loved being the woman who got past those walls, who knew who he really was. She could end this right now. She could say, _"Jackson, I'm pregnant. Don't leave me"_ and he wouldn't. He would take her back. They would go play house, have the baby, and pretend everything was back to normal. But that is all it would be, pretend. He would resent her until he hated her and April couldn't handle that. Losing Jackson was one thing, but having him hate her was unbearable.

April feels the doubts creep in. Maybe she should just stay quiet and sign the papers so this could all be over. But April knew if she didn't try, she will regret for the rest of her life. It is now or never. With her hands in her lap, April strokes her thumb on her stomach and gains strength from within.

"You want this… Do you _really_ want this?"

It took ten seconds, from the moment she asked the question to the moment he looked away. Time slowed down and April became very clear what was going to happen next. She saw it in his eyes and felt it in the air. The pain engulfed her. It was palpable, she could feel it spread throughout her whole body, shredding her from the inside. _He couldn't love her anymore. He didn't want to be with her._

She let it swallow her for several excruciating seconds, but had to carry on. This day wasn't over yet. There was more to do.

"Okay." It was all she could muster. Her hands were shaking when she picked up the pen.

When April Kepner was young, she always believed in soulmates, true love, the one. She was a romantic, always waiting for her Prince Charming. She envisioned meeting the perfect man, falling in love, getting married, having children, and living happily ever after. That was _the_ plan and April was good at sticking to plans.

However, there were three moments in her life when _the_ plan didn't mean a damn thing.

The first moment was during her third year as an intern and few months into her time at Seattle Grace/Mercy West. She missed an airway and killed a mother, she was fired from Seattle Grace/Mercy West (the first time) and left without saying goodbye, even to Reed. All her hard work, all her planning meant nothing. She wanted to help people instead someone was dead because of her. From that day forward, April vowed that she would never forget Cathy Becker and her son. April would like to think of it as a blessing, it is why she is so thorough and organized. She will never lose another patient because of her mistake again.

The second moment where plans did not seem to matter was unsurprisingly the night before the boards. She could never explain what came over her that night. She was living in the moment for the first time in her life. She just really wanted to kiss Jackson, so she did. She really wanted him to kiss every inch of her body, so she let him. She wanted to feel something that she had been thinking about since she was a teenage, so she did it. It didn't matter that he was her best friend or that they had never been close to doing something like this before. There was no plan. She didn't care about tomorrow. She only cared about that moment and how good it felt to kiss him and feel him against her skin. If she had known that the rest of her life had been shaped by that moment, she is pretty sure she would have chickened out. But she didn't chicken out. Instead she and Jackson kissed, she lost her virginity, failed her boards, was fired from the hospital, was rehired, fell in love with Jackson, struggled with her faith and identity, loses Jackson, found her faith, got engaged, and then in front of everyone she knew and loved chose Jackson.

That was not the plan. Not for one second.

The third moment where life did not seem to care about her plans was Samuel. They were so ready to start a family and so excited to meet him. They had plans, so many plans. Dear, sweet Samuel, who never had a chance, but changed everything.

After Samuel, April had come to realize that plans don't matter. Life keeps moving forward and you either move with it or you drown in the past.

She didn't know what happens next. She didn't know where she goes from here. She just knew that she needed to keep moving forward.

"Is there anything else?" She finishes signing the last line and slides the papers to her lawyer.

"Nope, that's it" Jackson's lawyer answers. She feels the tears burn her eyes. But she knows if she starts crying in this conference room, she wouldn't be able to stop.

"Okay," She gathers her things. Jackson doesn't say anything, but she could see him looking at her from the corner of her eye. In the movies, she would say one crushing line and leave the room with dignity. But this was not the movies and she felt no dignity. They would never kiss or touch or be what they were to each other ever again.

She had to leave. She rushed out of the room as the tears began to flow. _Goodbye_.


	5. Chapter 5: Later That Night

**Jackson**

It was almost nine and Jackson had promised to stay until the toasts and then he could finally go home. He was holding it together decently well, considering he had to walk a woman down the aisle an hour after he signed divorce papers.

The wedding had gone perfectly; the bride and groom had been misty eyed and in love. While, the reception was at a warehouse down by the marina, with an open dock and twinkle lights across the ceiling. Beautiful in retrospect, but at the moment, it was Jackson's personal hell.

Ben kept looking over at him across the table, waiting for him to snap.

"Stop staring at me," Jackson ordered his friend.

"I'm not staring," Ben exclaimed, looking offended. "It is not my fault that your big head is in the way of the pretty dancing."

"I'm fine, okay?" Jackson stated once again.

"Sure, you are. Who wouldn't be fine after signing divorce papers and then going to a wedding where everyone is lovey-dovey and talking about how love springs eternal?"

"I am here for Tatiana. I am fine. I'll stay to the toasts and then we go," Jackson finishes his fourth drink.

"If you say so," Ben looks dubious.

Clink clink clink.

'Thank God,' Jackson thinks. Ben was right. He couldn't handle much more.

Tatiana stands up in front to start her speech. She was glowing and a smile hadn't left her face all day. Flashes of April's face on their wedding day keep seeping into his psyche. He shakes his head, disrupting those thoughts, and focuses on Tatiana.

"Three years ago something terrible happened. I really thought my life was over. I was ready to hide away forever. I was done. But something amazing happened. A wise doctor told me that life is worth living and I was still worth loving," Tatiana raises her glass towards Jackson and he returns the gesture. "Two years later, a tall handsome human rights lawyer stole my coffee order as well as my heart. Here is the thing about life: it will surprise you and everything happens for a reason. Now, before I get all cheesy and sappy, I am going to let other people get cheesy and sappy about me."

Jackson felt for the speech in his pocket. He knew that the bridesmaids and groomsmen would be speaking first, but he wanted to be prepared. He looked over the speech, words like love and trust and support jumped out at him. Suddenly, Jackson was feeling nauseous and his breath caught in his throat. What the hell could he say about love? He loved April more than he thought possible. He had built a life around her. He thought he found the one. And it didn't work out, so what was the fucking point anymore.

Jackson needed air. He got up from the table and walked back towards the dock. Ben attempted to follow, but Jackson shook him off.

"Just getting some air, I'll be back." Jackson whispers.

He makes his way to the back dock that overlooks the marina. No one was outside. He could hear the room laugh inside, enthralled in the heartwarming speeches. He furthers himself from the noises and walks to edge of the dock, where it was finally quiet. Jackson leans against the barrier and looks down at the dark freezing waters below.

Jackson was never very good at talking about his feelings. While, his mother was the queen of talk-it-out, he had gone spinning in the opposite direction. Standing on this pier, Jackson was overwhelmed with so many emotions, he wanted to scream. He was angry, that was one he could pin point. He was angry at everyone. He was angry at the universe, at himself, at April, at his mother, at Osteogenesis Imperfecta, at that fucking lawyer, at his deadbeat father, at the happy loving couple inside. He was really goddamn angry. He was also so sad that any time he took a second to think about today, about what he lost, his chest felt like it was collapsing and it became harder to breath. As a calming habit, Jackson used to fidget with his ring, but he remembers he had taken it off this morning, unsure of the proper divorce protocol. However, when he saw April wearing both the wedding ring and his post-marriage engagement ring at the signing, he felt guilty. He had kept in the inside breast pocket of his dress shirt all day. He takes it out and stares at it in his palm.

"Do you have vows?" The minister asked. Jackson shakes his head, he was so focused on the planning of the wedding part, he had forgotten the details of it all.

"I do," April beamed.

"No, that line comes later," Jackson jokes. She playfully rolls her eyes at his terrible joke, but squeezes his hand as she becomes somber and serious.

"You got to say your vows at the barn, it's my turn," She smiles, her beautiful glowing smile. "Jackson, I love you. People will call this rushed or out of the blue or a hundred other things. But you and I (and God) know that this is right. All these years we've known each other and all the years to come, I've loved you, I love you, I will love you, always. I can't wait to start a future with you. Me and you."

"Me and you," Jackson whispers back, as he stares into her brimming hazel eyes.

"Do you, Jackson Harper Avery, take April Marie Kepner to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do," He has never been so sure of anything in his life. April slips on the wedding ban on to his finger. He wants nothing more to kiss her, he isn't sure he can wait even a few more seconds.

"Do you, April Marie Kepner, take Jackson Harper Avery to be you lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do," He slides the ring on to her slender finger.

"I can't believe we're doing this," Jackson says giddily.

"I can." She returns, confidently. Not even waiting for the okay from the minister, Jackson kisses her. The world disappears.

Jackson stares at the ring. They had gotten it engraved, with the date of their wedding and Me and You around the inside. He closed his fist around the ring. He could throw it in the marina. It would sink to the bottom and he would never have to see it again. Jackson holds his hand over the edge, readying himself to drop it. Maybe it would be cathartic? Maybe he could get an ounce of closer?

Come on, just open your hand and drop it. He thinks to himself. Just do it.

Nothing.

"COME ON!" He yells. But his hand won't budge. It is remains closed and frozen, unable to give in, unable to move forward.

Jackson pulls back and slides to the ground. His head drops and he can no longer hold back the tears. As they stream down his face, Jackson has never felt so lost. He had hoped that maybe some good would come of this, some relief from the constant pain he has been in, but just like his hand over the marina, he is frozen. It is a few minutes before he gains back control, before the tears finally stop. He takes deep breaths and centers himself. I asked for this. I needed this. This is how it is.

He puts the ring back in his breast pocket. Apparently, he isn't ready for closure just yet.

"Jackson?" He raises his head to see Ben standing a few feet away. "You okay, man?"

"Yeah yeah. I am fine…Or I will be." Jackson stands up and dusts himself off.

"Okay. Well, your speech is up next. But I can tell Tatiana that you are indisposed or something?"

"No... It's fine. I can do it." He walks back into the reception. Tatiana is hugging a crying bridesmaid and looks at Jackson, relieved.

"Oh. Great, last speech tonight is from Doctor Hero."

Jackson walks over to the front of the room and takes the mic. He doesn't look at his speech, those are empty words. Instead, he decides to speak from the heart.

"Hello, everyone. I am Jackson Avery. I..am…was Tatiana's doctor. The only reason she is calling me a hero is because I didn't let her trip on her face this morning. All the other stuff, that was... That was all her. Um. Speeches are not really my thing. But… well, I just want to wish Tatiana and Timothy all the luck in the world. It's tough out there. You know that. But when you have someone beside you, someone there with you, through the thick of it, that is all anyone can ask for. It is a blessing, so be sure not to take it for granted," Jackson feels like the ring in his pocket is burning a hole through his shirt, a constant reminder. "Like Tatiana says, life is gonna surprise you. It is going to throw some punches, but there will be some moments, some days, some years, where you will never believe how happy you can be. Love is…everything. Don't forget that. Cheers to the couple, I wish you all the happiness."

The room followed his lead, raising their glasses towards the newlyweds.

"Alright! Thank you, everyone. Now it is time for dancing!" Tatiana gestures to the band to begin playing.

Tatiana then walks over to Jackson and without saying anything, she pulls him into a big hug.

"You have to go." She says calmly when they pull away.

"I have to go." He nods.

"Thank you for being here today," She straightens his tie. "Always putting other people first."

"Not always."

She gives him an unconvinced look.

"Goodbye, Dr. Hero.

"Goodbye and good luck." He gives her a peck on the cheek and watches as she joins back in with the festivities.

Jackson and Ben walk silently to the car. Ben seems to have accepted that Jackson wasn't going to open up about anything tonight. He gives him a pat on the back and tells him to get home safe and he'll see him tomorrow. Jackson nods and gets in his car. When he finally arrives home, he sits in the parked car for a few minutes. He is suddenly exhausted. This has been one of the longest, most difficult days of his life. At least after Samuel, he still had someone to go home with, someone to go home to. Now, he was just alone.

He walks into his dark hotel room, unable to even exert the energy to turn on the lights. There is one thing he must do before falling into the necessary coma. He stands in front of the dresser and opens the drawer. He takes the ring from his breast pocket and places it carefully into his change box. He closes the drawer slowly. His finger feels naked. As lies down on the bed, Jackson wills for this day to finally be over.

 **April**

"According to the test this morning…yeah. Actually, I think I am." It was the first time she had said out loud. It was suddenly very real and April couldn't help but smile. This day had been one of the longest days of her life. On her drive home, she had been crying so hard that she had to pull over. But sitting on the side of the road, she suddenly saw this beautiful future ahead of her. Things didn't seem so bleak when she thought about the baby. She had wiped her tears and hadn't felt like crying since. It was a new day. After being lost in her thoughts, April finally looks over and sees Arizona's shocked face.

"I… You… What. Are you happy about it?" Arizona settles on the most important question. April never loved her friend more than at that moment.

"Yes. Yes, I am so so happy," she laughs.

"April…" She can tell that Arizona is ramping up to something, but interrupts her.

"Arizona, I feel like this is meant to be. I feel like God gave me this miracle. I know this isn't the perfect time. I know that everything is complicated. I know that I will have to deal with a million questions, but tonight. I am happy. I am so happy because this is my baby."

"April. What about…What about Jackson?" Even hearing his name hurt. All April can do is shrug, helplessly.

"You didn't tell him." Arizona finally begins to understand the whole picture. "April, did you find out before you signed the papers?"

"Arizona, this has been the longest day. I think I just want to shower and go to bed." April didn't want to focus on the complicated. She wanted to just be happy.

"April," Arizona looked confused and ready to pounce.

"I know a million questions. I'll answer them tomorrow, I promise." She gets up to walk Arizona out.

"Okay, tomorrow. So, I am going to sleep on the couch," Arizona takes off her jacket to get more comfortable.

"Arizona. I'm fine," April knows what Arizona is trying to do.

"Okay, you sleep on the couch and I'll sleep on the bed. If you insist." April had forgotten what a queen of deflection Arizona, really was.

"Arizona." April could feel her annoyance grows. How does one get their overbearing good-intentioned friend to leave her apartment?

"It was a joke!" Arizona continues on, oblivious.

"ARIZONA!" April finally snaps. There is a beat, before she regrets her reaction. "I'm sorry. Look, I know the things you are going to say. And I know the things that I have to do. But tonight. Can I just have tonight?"

"It's okay. I understand. I do." Arizona looks like she wants to say more, but decides against it. "I'll go."

"Tomorrow," April promises her, Arizona nods and leaves. And April turns back to the empty apartment and sighs. She just needed some time to think. She couldn't answer any of Arizona's questions because she honestly didn't know the answers. There was so much up in the air. To take a breath without other people's expectations. Just breathe. The other things, the details, those will work out.

April changed into her pajamas and readies herself for bed. She had her fair share of emotional whiplash today and she was presently exhausted. It was a day to remember, the good and the bad. These past weeks and months, there was this darkness hanging over her, but now there was light. Even on the longest day of her life, her head ached, her feet hurt, her back pained, but she felt better than she had in weeks. This baby was her miracle. This baby was something to live for and she never felt more grateful. April didn't know what tomorrow would bring. She didn't know how this would all turn out. But she knew that she would love and protect this baby with everything that she had. She couldn't protect Samuel. Even inside her, where he should have been the safest, she failed. But she wouldn't fail again.

This baby was going to have an exceptional life. That was one promise she would keep. April fell asleep with her hand resting on her stomach and dreams of first smiles, first steps, first words, and the future to come.


End file.
